The Tubaman

by John Burnett

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"The Tubaman" is a concept album which tells a tale of mystery, intrigue and humour, in which our hero must confront some of his worst fears in order to thwart the schemes of an insane criminal mastermind...


released October 30, 2015

John Burnett - Vocals, Guitars, Bass Guitar, Trombone, Piano, Drums, Keyboards, Writing and Production

Simon Burnett - Tuba solo on track 15

Special thanks to Simon, for use of the 'Tubaman' trademark, and special thanks to Alistair, Kyle, Eve, Simon and Luke for percussive and vocal contributions.



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John Burnett UK

My music is for the sheer pleasure of the listener, be it my good self or anyone else. It's inspiration is derived from everywhere and anywhere in my life, which encompasses everything I take in with the thirteen senses. I like books, music, art, food, vintage technology and foreign cultures; all of which, I hope, are reflected in my work. ... more

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Track Name: Tubaman Overture
This is a story about love and betrayal;
Pain and revenge;
Heartbreak and tragedy

NEVER have the forces of evil been brought
To such an abrupt halt
Since the first sighting of
Track Name: Woodwind Spies
"I have some information about the Tubaman..."
Track Name: Herald
This is where our story begins
Track Name: To Begin
This story begins with Simon Burnett - a mediocre tuba player
Playing the tuba provided Simon with some unrivalled gifts
Namely, a huge amount of time not really playing anything, and access to
some destructively low-frequency notes!
Although he has since acquired new skills, this was the ideal foundation for him to build upon in his never-ending search for justice.

The result, of course, is the infamous and ever-mysterious super-hero know only as "the Tubaman"
Unfortunately, Tubaman was a wanted man - not only by his own enemies, of which there are many, but by the very police force he aided!
Stuck-up snobs!

But, anyway, this huge problem is the reason why Tubaman never revealed his true identity to ANYONE!
Except, of course, his sidekick, Bass-Trombone-Boy, and his
Band of Merry Minions

He successfully kept up this deception with a very simple mind trick:
At the end of each and every performance he happened to be participating in, he would stand at the front of the stage
and say, "Ladies and gentlemen, I have an important announcement; I am the Tubaman!"

This trick fooled nearly everyone!
It did not, however, fool the evil super-villain "The Vending Machine"!
Track Name: The Vending Machine
VENDING MACHINE: Tubaman is trouble to me
Now is time for the whole world to see
While he remains here and I clutch his snack
I'll let the whole world know where he is at

TUBAMAN: Vending Machine, I just overheard your plot!
If only I wasn't too busy to deal with it!
Just in the nick of time, Bass-Trombone-Boy!

BASS-TROMBONE-BOY: That fiend was no mean poet anyway!

TUBAMAN: No time to bask in all the glory, you show-off!
We must head, at once, to the Brass Cave!
I sense danger amongst my 'Band of Merry
Track Name: Geoffrey Gamelan
TUBAMAN: Who are you and what are you doing?

GEOFFREY GAMELAN: I am Geoffrey Gamelan; I have been trying to enter
your brass cave, but now you can let me in!

TUBAMAN: And why should I do that?

GEOFFREY GAMELAN: Because your Band Of Merry Minions will die if you

TUBAMAN: You fiend; I'll break your neck with my sub-sonic

GEOFFREY GAMELAN: But then who will reveal the location of your little
friends? I'll give you an hour to think it over!
Track Name: Reawakening
TUBAMAN: Wait a minute, I don't even have a brass cave!
I must have been drugged, that Geoffrey Gamelan brought me here!
It stinks so bad, it's slightly drivin' me mad!

What are you doin'? What is your evil plan?
Why are you hidin'? Why don't you show your face like a man?
Just fight me face-to-face, then I'll be on my way!
Track Name: Chasing Geoffrey
GEOFFREY GAMELAN: I'm over here!
Can't catch me!
I'm right behind you!

TUBAMAN: Who are you working for?

GEOFFREY GAMELAN: Wouldn't you like to know?!
You'll have to find me first. Then I might THINK
about telling.

TUBAMAN: You're really getting on my nougat! You're really
getting up my arse, you are.

Tubaman approached a fork in the tunnel. Taking the left, he found himself face-to-face with Geoffrey Gamelan, and an incredible fight ensued!
Track Name: This Is ART!
TUBAMAN: You're beaten Geoffrey, so tell me your plan
and I might even let you live!

GEOFFREY GAMELAN: You want to know why I brought you here?
Well, my reasons are humble, you know.

TUBAMAN: Go on, then, tell me! You fiend, you swine, you!
I might even let you go!






TUBAMAN: You madman! I'll escort you to the authorities

GEOFFREY GAMELAN: What? And miss the rest of the show? You've
forgotten about your Band Of Merry Minions!
Track Name: Searching The Sewers
GEOFFREY GAMELAN: (via Tubaman's phone) Testing, testing;
one, two, three! Geoffrey to Tubaman! Geoffrey
to Tubaman! Come in, please! Are you there?!

TUBAMAN: I'm listening.

GEOFFREY GAMELAN: Just thought I'd call to tell you you're on the
right track. The sewers is a good place to start!
In fact, I'd even go as far as to say you're
getting warm! QUITE LITERALLY! -
(uncontrollable manic laughter)
- Let's just say I hope you can
withstand a nuclear BLAST! - (uncontrollable
manic laughter) - Oh, I crack myself up
sometimes. Over and out!

TUBAMAN: Surely I must be getting close... And... Wait...
What's That?! (MINIONS BABBLE) My Band Of
Merry Minions! You are tied up, on top of...
Ahh... Is that a nuclear explosive? I'll have to
try and defuse it. Haven't done this in years...
Let's see... Red wire; blue wire; green wire -
oh, hmm... This is tense... Ah... I think it's the
white wire... Phew... I'm still alive... Now we
just need to remove the reactor... Without...
Letting it slip... A sudden jolt and it could...
All blow up... Ah... Easy does it... Mustn't...
And... YES! I have defused the bomb!
Quickly, minions; now that we have witnesses
we can maybe convince the police to arrest
Geoffrey! We do not have a moment to lose!
Oh, and, eh... Leave your shoes by the fire at
my place... They'll dry in no time.
Track Name: Case Dormant
TUBAMAN: Try as we might, Geoffrey Gamelan got away
But alas! The minions were safe; which had, after all, been
the initial purpose of my actions. And, shame as it is that that
fiend of a percussionist got away, we all learned a great deal
from the incident. If - and, indeed, when - Geoffrey Gamelan
shows his face again we will be ready. In the meantime the
world can rest a little easier with the knowledge that I will
keep them safe. It's not a responsibility I asked for, but it is
mine nonetheless. I'm your best friend, and your worst fear.
I move in shadow, I uphold justice. I am the Tubaman.